Shut The Damn Door Already...

I am a firm believer in the saying, "One door closes and another one will open." Or, the saying, "Things happen for a reason."
My problem is that sometimes I just don't pay attention to the door trying to close. It practically has to slam shut before I get the hint.

Some people walk away from the closed door as soon as it closes and walk right through the open door, proceeding on, no matter what.  Me – I tend to ignore it.

Some (meaning me,) try to keep going through the 'closing' door, while ignoring the now 'open' door. Even if the door closing is a door I really should avoid, I will still try to go in, while ignoring the door that is opening - regardless of the opportunity it presents. I am not sure if it is stubbornness or if I am just too afraid? Sometimes, I am just clueless.

With me, most of the doors have to slam shut, not just once, but sometimes several times, before I finally get the hint not to go through it anymore. Not only does it have to slam shut, it has to turn the key and lock it up tight, so no matter how hard I try, I can't break in. And then, I probably will still ignore the 'open' door, until someone pushes me through it.

What this really means is: I am not listening to my intuition, to my instincts. Even when they are SCREAMING at me to quit, move on, get out–I ignore them. Sometimes, the bad stuff (no matter how bad) is more comfortable then the unknown.

Today, a door shut. It didn't exactly slam shut, it was more of a quiet-go-away-leave-me-alone kind of closing. It was a door that should have shut, I knew in the back of my mind it should close, but instead of me listening, I waited until someone else closed it for me.

I keep telling myself that I will learn, I will pay attention, but I haven't – at least not this time.

Beware of Saturday the 13th

Traditionally we've been programmed to be wary of Friday the 13th, personally I find that day to usually be one of my best days. It is Saturday the 13th that we should be afraid of. Throughout the years, it has been Saturday (not Friday) the 13th that is typically a bad day – at least for me. And, Saturday, June 13th started out to be no exception.

• The day started off by getting out bed, believe me that was a feat all by itself.
• Next, the laptop didn't want to work. Couldn't get online, programs would freeze. Finally I had to do a hard shut down and put the damn thing away.
• Husband decides he wants to be a pain – and not in a could way, which led to arguing. 
• This particular Saturday the 13th – a family outing was planned with my sister and her family, and our son and daughter-in-law. Sister showed up late and went to the wrong location for the meet up.
• Son forgot to bring a long sleeve shirt, so decided he needed to go to a store to shop.
• I had a headache (from arguing with the husband.)
• Son had a headache.
• Nephew had a headache and sinus infection.
• Sister had a headache.
• Brother-in-law had a sprained ankle.
• Niece was tired.
• Who knows what the husband was feeling (we weren't talking.)
• We decided to take the scenic route to Picture Lake and Artist Point, which meant Hwy 9 North out of Burlington. Just outside of the little town of Acme, a flat bed truck had lost some bales of hay onto the highway causing traffic to slow to a crawl (this ended up being a blessing.) One of the young men was on top of the bales of hay on the truck, was trying to restack them, we passed them without any issues, but when our son went to pass the truck, the young man fell of the truck, landing on the pavement right in front of our son's truck. Luckily the young man landed on his butt and had jumped up quickly, and our son had a quick reaction causing him to swerve, which meant he barely missed hitting the young man. In the meantime, I am watching the whole thing in the side-view mirror and my heart stopped. 

The day, that felt like one-not-so-good-thing after another, ended up with a wonderful picnic in the mountains and a gentle hike to calm our souls (and minds.)

I AM NOT Egotistical, or So I Tell Myself

Most of the time I think of myself as not having much of an ego. At least that is what I tell myself. I have always assumed someone with a large ego, was someone who thought only of themselves.

I have been rereading, Eckhart Tolle's book, The New Earth. There is a section in about how complaining, resentment and grievances feed the ego. Something I have been doing a lot of over the past few years.

In one paragraph it says, "And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thoughts and emotions."

I have found that as I get older, I don't forgive (or forget) as easily as I did when I was younger. I tend to hold onto my grudges a lot longer. I find I have no patience or tolerance for certain situations, or certain people. I blamed my grudge-holding on a series of events that have I gone through, mostly by the actions of others, or perceived actions of others. I was also blaming it on menopause (and still might), but according to Mr. Tolle, maybe I should blame it on my ego?

If I am reading this book correctly, my ego must be a bit large, no wonder it is such a nuisance. It has also become a hindrance to how I live my life, more importantly – how I feel about myself, and my life.

One thing I have found frustrating while reading this book is – he doesn't really tell you 'how' to deal with the ego. He gives a lot of examples of what the ego enjoys and lives off of, but not how to control or deny it. At least, not in a way that I can comprehend.

Am I egotistical? I suppose it someways the answer to that question is - Yes. But, then aren't we all?

Maybe once I get through menopause I can let go of those 'old' grievances and therefore deny my ego its supper? At least that is what I tell myself...

Nothing Else Matters

I am a worry wart. Have been since day one. I fret about the future and worry about the past.  As I grew older, I have tried to condition myself not be a worry wart but it's a hard habit to break. Logically I understand the power of positive thinking, but it's a difficult thing to do for someone like me.

The other day we were driving through the farmlands on the way to town, a drive we have done so many times. On the radio, a song was playing, the lyrics were "Nothing Else Matters." The song (normally sung by Metallica), was being sung by a woman and I got lost in the lyrics. As I listened, I realized she was right, Nothing Else Matters.

I was gazing out the car window and the evening light was lighting up the hills. The trees, full of Spring growth, were swaying in the breeze as if dancing to the music, and the farmlands were rich with the beginning of new crops. I found myself awestruck by the glorious beauty whizzing by as we drove down the highway. The lyrics were right -  how could anything else really matter?

Why fret about the past, why worry about the future, when surrounded by the beginning of new life and the beautiful landscape that God has generously surrounded us with.

I have lived in this amazing valley for ten years now and I have enjoyed its mix of water, islands, farmlands and mountains, but it wasn't until that moment, while listening to that song and my mind opened up, that it hit me - how blessed we really are. It is the here, the now that matters.

Who Raised These Kids

Motherhood has to be one of the toughest and yet one of the most rewarding jobs. There is no manual, no training course, no college education to prepare for it. It is on-the-job training, and sometimes you have to be a quick study.

Children are individuals. Each child is unique and requires different parenting skills. There is no one size fits all. So, how do we parent - We WING it. That is all we can do.

We WING it, give it our best shot, and Pray – a lot.

But, we aren't the only ones involved in a child's life. There are other parents, school teachers, coaches, friends, grandparents – a village of others.

So, who raised these kids? Everyone involved in their lives, including themselves.

Perception...

I recently had a discussion with someone about perception. We talked about how some people were 'perceiving' me.  Logically, I understand that I cannot control how others view me. Logically I know that I should not let them get to me. But my emotions (and my Ego) weren't listening to logic. They felt attacked. How dare they make such false assumptions, such false accusations! How dare they tell others what to think about me! They don't obviously know me. Then it hit me - how dare I make assumptions, how dare I make accusations. I was becoming everything I dislike, I was becoming one of them. I was making my own perceptions.

You can't control what others think or say about you. Most perceptions are a screwed-up mix of conclusions, motivations, preferences, ego, and who knows what else – most of which are incorrect. Then there are the toxic people who have their own motive for creating how others should view you – gossip they call it. These people expect everyone to cater to them, to change to suit them. It is this type of person that I have a hard time ignoring. I don't tolerate (nor do I have the patience) for injustice – for people who judge, jury and convict without cause, just because they can, or have developed a personal dislike toward someone – in this particular case, me.

I have come to the conclusion that it is best I just walk away. Nothing will ever make them happy. My health, my happiness – are more important then what they think. Their toxin is poisonous.

When I found myself focusing and reacting to that negative behavior, I realized I had given them power over me. Power they don't deserve. It was creating an unsafe environment and it was time for me to take back that power and the control. What can I control? ME!

It is not my job to change how they see me, but it is my job to think about how I see myself.

Too Damn Serious

I have always been befuddled and in awe of people that are outgoing. How did they learn to be like that? I don't remember any lessons on how to cut loose and be fancy free, when I was a child? 

This was in the Urban Dictionary describing 'outgoing'
"Outgoing is doing anything that causes people to gravitate to you! Outgoing people are usually the life of most parties. Outgoing people tend to be deemed cool and chill!"

I have often wondered what it would be like to be outgoing. To have people gravitate towards you and enjoy your company. They make it look so damn easy and fun. Instead I am too damn serious. And I've tried to break it. In fact, as I get older, I seem to be getting even more serious. I have an inner need to cut loose and be fancy free, but I can't get it to come out.

I try to remind myself that the world needs people like me. That serious people serve a purpose. But, I often can't help but yearn to be even a little outgoing.

Then I found this article online in Psychology Today and it hit the nail on the head. The title alone was worth it:

In Praise of Serious People

Melancholics are underappreciated

These two phrases made all the difference:
"Serious people may be more likely to make a difference in the world." and "sober types may be more in touch with what’s wrong and thus acquire the drive to improve things."

I may not be the 'life of the party', but I certainly can organize and plan the event.

Outgoing people - cut loose, the serious people will help keep it together.