Thursday, May 7, 2015

I AM NOT Egotistical, or So I Tell Myself

Most of the time I think of myself as not having much of an ego. At least that is what I tell myself. I have always assumed someone with a large ego, was someone who thought only of themselves.

I have been rereading, Eckhart Tolle's book, The New Earth. There is a section in about how complaining, resentment and grievances feed the ego. Something I have been doing a lot of over the past few years.

In one paragraph it says, "And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thoughts and emotions."

I have found that as I get older, I don't forgive (or forget) as easily as I did when I was younger. I tend to hold onto my grudges a lot longer. I find I have no patience or tolerance for certain situations, or certain people. I blamed my grudge-holding on a series of events that have I gone through, mostly by the actions of others, or perceived actions of others. I was also blaming it on menopause (and still might), but according to Mr. Tolle, maybe I should blame it on my ego?

If I am reading this book correctly, my ego must be a bit large, no wonder it is such a nuisance. It has also become a hindrance to how I live my life, more importantly – how I feel about myself, and my life.

One thing I have found frustrating while reading this book is – he doesn't really tell you 'how' to deal with the ego. He gives a lot of examples of what the ego enjoys and lives off of, but not how to control or deny it. At least, not in a way that I can comprehend.

Am I egotistical? I suppose it someways the answer to that question is - Yes. But, then aren't we all?

Maybe once I get through menopause I can let go of those 'old' grievances and therefore deny my ego its supper? At least that is what I tell myself...

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Nothing Else Matters

I am a worry wart. Have been since day one. I fret about the future and worry about the past.  As I grew older, I have tried to condition myself not be a worry wart but it's a hard habit to break. Logically I understand the power of positive thinking, but it's a difficult thing to do for someone like me.

The other day we were driving through the farmlands on the way to town, a drive we have done so many times. On the radio, a song was playing, the lyrics were "Nothing Else Matters." The song (normally sung by Metallica), was being sung by a woman and I got lost in the lyrics. As I listened, I realized she was right, Nothing Else Matters.

I was gazing out the car window and the evening light was lighting up the hills. The trees, full of Spring growth, were swaying in the breeze as if dancing to the music, and the farmlands were rich with the beginning of new crops. I found myself awestruck by the glorious beauty whizzing by as we drove down the highway. The lyrics were right -  how could anything else really matter?

Why fret about the past, why worry about the future, when surrounded by the beginning of new life and the beautiful landscape that God has generously surrounded us with.

I have lived in this amazing valley for ten years now and I have enjoyed its mix of water, islands, farmlands and mountains, but it wasn't until that moment, while listening to that song and my mind opened up, that it hit me - how blessed we really are. It is the here, the now that matters.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Who Raised These Kids

Motherhood has to be one of the toughest and yet one of the most rewarding jobs. There is no manual, no training course, no college education to prepare for it. It is on-the-job training, and sometimes you have to be a quick study.

Children are individuals. Each child is unique and requires different parenting skills. There is no one size fits all. So, how do we parent - We WING it. That is all we can do.

We WING it, give it our best shot, and Pray – a lot.

But, we aren't the only ones involved in a child's life. There are other parents, school teachers, coaches, friends, grandparents – a village of others.

So, who raised these kids? Everyone involved in their lives, including themselves.

Friday, March 20, 2015


I recently had a discussion with someone about perception. We talked about how some people were 'perceiving' me.  Logically, I understand that I cannot control how others view me. Logically I know that I should not let them get to me. But my emotions (and my Ego) weren't listening to logic. They felt attacked. How dare they make such false assumptions, such false accusations! How dare they tell others what to think about me! They don't obviously know me. Then it hit me - how dare I make assumptions, how dare I make accusations. I was becoming everything I dislike, I was becoming one of them. I was making my own perceptions.

You can't control what others think or say about you. Most perceptions are a screwed-up mix of conclusions, motivations, preferences, ego, and who knows what else – most of which are incorrect. Then there are the toxic people who have their own motive for creating how others should view you – gossip they call it. These people expect everyone to cater to them, to change to suit them. It is this type of person that I have a hard time ignoring. I don't tolerate (nor do I have the patience) for injustice – for people who judge, jury and convict without cause, just because they can, or have developed a personal dislike toward someone – in this particular case, me.

I have come to the conclusion that it is best I just walk away. Nothing will ever make them happy. My health, my happiness – are more important then what they think. Their toxin is poisonous.

When I found myself focusing and reacting to that negative behavior, I realized I had given them power over me. Power they don't deserve. It was creating an unsafe environment and it was time for me to take back that power and the control. What can I control? ME!

It is not my job to change how they see me, but it is my job to think about how I see myself.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Too Damn Serious

I have always been befuddled and in awe of people that are outgoing. How did they learn to be like that? I don't remember any lessons on how to cut loose and be fancy free, when I was a child? 

This was in the Urban Dictionary describing 'outgoing'
"Outgoing is doing anything that causes people to gravitate to you! Outgoing people are usually the life of most parties. Outgoing people tend to be deemed cool and chill!"

I have often wondered what it would be like to be outgoing. To have people gravitate towards you and enjoy your company. They make it look so damn easy and fun. Instead I am too damn serious. And I've tried to break it. In fact, as I get older, I seem to be getting even more serious. I have an inner need to cut loose and be fancy free, but I can't get it to come out.

I try to remind myself that the world needs people like me. That serious people serve a purpose. But, I often can't help but yearn to be even a little outgoing.

Then I found this article online in Psychology Today and it hit the nail on the head. The title alone was worth it:

In Praise of Serious People

Melancholics are underappreciated

These two phrases made all the difference:
"Serious people may be more likely to make a difference in the world." and "sober types may be more in touch with what’s wrong and thus acquire the drive to improve things."

I may not be the 'life of the party', but I certainly can organize and plan the event.

Outgoing people - cut loose, the serious people will help keep it together.